Sunday, October 2, 2011

CAUTION: Please avert your eyes.

My friend, Andrew I were were recently making a pit stop at a local gas station on the way home from work.  I had to pee soooo bad that I literally couldn't make it 5 more minutes, and instead subjected myself to the filth of a "convenience" store restroom.  Whilst taking care of business, apparently Andrew had a rather unpleasant encounter with a young man and his relative/friend.  The woman seemed to be having issues with her leg, and kept bending down to investigate.  Andrew looked her way one or two times, intrigued by what was causing her such trouble.  Apparently her relative/friend didn't appreciate Andrew's wandering eyes...he knows this because when Andrew glanced their way one last time, the young man rattled of a slew of obscenities, all related to "that **** who kept looking at you" (that's Andrew) and how he would "beat the **** out of him if he looked over here one more **** time." Andrew informed me of this once I emerged from the dark abyss that was the restroom, and we discussed the amount of unnecessary anger people display simply from a sideways glance or observation.  (Notice: I did not say glare, stare, or fixation.)

This post is meant to inform you all of the worst places to glance, or (heaven forbid) make eye contact with perfect strangers.  Such looks could lead to obscenities, outbursts, or worse...confrontation.  There are three locations and/or events where one should use caution when averting their eyes from the task at hand, and I hope you all take this to heart the next time you find yourself in one of these situations.

1. Gas Stations/Convenience Stores:  This one is kind of obvious, given the above situation.  Now, there is good news: the above-mentioned encounter is rare in form, and isn't likely to happen every time you step foot into your local convenience store to pick up a gallon of milk.  However, when it does happen (and trust us, it does happen) it is never pretty and will almost surely leave you feeling bewildered and vulnerable.  When perusing the aisles of your local store, remain fixated on the objects displayed.  I realize these objects are random in sort (for example, nearly every shelf houses multiple flavors of Vienna Sausages), but try to make the most of it so your eyes don't stray.  Read nutrition labels if you must, or venture over to see if the soda fountain offers Pepsi or Coca-Cola products.  Whatever you do....don't stare.  People enter into convenience stores in their most vulnearble states: donning pajamas, messy hair, glasses they only wear in the comfort of their home, house slippers, etc.  More than that, they are usually purchasing random objects they need right then: beer, condoms, medicine (often diarrhea or nausea), etc.  Staring or glancing for an extended period of time will cause people to fly off the handle....keep them on that handle, folks.

2. Sporting Events:  This one seems quite obvious, and doesn't require nearly as much guidelines.  A rule of thumb: if the person you're interested in getting a better look at is wearing your opposing teams' jersey or any sort of memorabilia....LOOK AWAY.  Most people at such events are on edge and wary of those possibly judging them, but even worse are fans of the opposing team.  For example: If you are so lucky to attend a Dallas Cowboys game, and they are coincidentally playing the Philadelphia Eagles (a division rival who historically has a following of borderline psychopaths), keep your eyes on the field at all times.  Do not look at the crazy, boisterous drunk man in the XXXL Eagles.  Don't even think about letting your eyes linger on the group of obnoxious middle aged women decked out in the disgusting turquoise/green spaghetti strap shirts with the oversized Phillies garb on.  People are extremely on edge and intense at such sporting events, and giving someone the wrong look could end fatally.

3. Driving:  This, of all situations, those listed and those not listed, is the most important.  Keeping your eyes on the road, with the occasional glance at fellow passengers, is imperative.  Think the mom in the SUV with three kids in the backseat screaming and crying is interesting?  Want to take a look at the couple fighting next to you at the stoplight?  Feel like glancing over at the middle aged businessman in the BMW?  Think again, my friends.  You think getting the finger is attrocious?  Just you wait.  Slowing someone down because you drive like a grandma/pa in the left lane will be the least of your worries if you look too long at someone on the road.  You could have blacked-out shades on and that neighbor driver you're looking out will still be able to tell that you're staring.  It's as if staring through someone's car window is equivalent to peering into their lives, and taking a peek into their innermost secrets and insecurities.  Rage builds up inside them, and think about it...what is the only weapon they have at their disposal??? It is literally right in their hands, unless they have their knee guiding the steering wheel while they reach into the glove box for their "licensed" handgun.  Take heed, o' blogger readers....keep your eyes on the road.  It is for your safety in more than one way.

This concludes the more serious blog post I have ever written.  While some of you may chuckle and take my suggestions lightly, others of you should take note: keep your eye on the prize come what may.  Doing so will keep you out of a world of trouble.

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