Friday, February 17, 2012

Saving the best for last

This post, I decided to spice things up a little.  Really let you into the mind of "Margaret Bond."  It is "Bond's Mindless Wanderings" isn't it?  Anywho, I thought I'd take a different route this post.  Instead of rambling on about life, liberty and the pursuit of happyness (you're welcome, Will Smith) I wanted to discuss something I am extremely passionate about.  Something I feel is so incredibly groundbreaking, I feel it would be a disservice not to share with the whole bunch of you.  I hope by the end of this, at least one of you (and there may indeed be just one of you) change your ways and accept into your life this theory, which I believe in so fully...

Let's start with pizza.

You may not know this about me, but I was lucky to be born without several metaphorical teeth.  Most astounding is the sweet tooth.  I lack that tooth.  In it's place, I have what I like to call a "chip" tooth; not to be mistaken with a chipped tooth.  I could down an entire bag of Dorito's in less time than it takes the biggest chocoholic to go through a bag of Lindor truffles...yes, I will take bets on that.  Another craving I was born without, is the bread craving.  I don't touch the rolls they put on the table at Texas Roadhouse (nor the cinnamon butter, because it's too sweet).  I don't particularly enjoy donuts, especially Krispy Kreme, because they're the worst of both worlds.  And I strongly believe that the smell of fresh baked bread is the best part of fresh baked bread.

That being said, I eat my pizza backward.  I start with the crust, eat alllll the way along until the crust is gone, and proceed to the bite most commonly known as "the best bite," "the tip of the iceberg," "the big kahun," "the triangle of glory."  (pick your favorite.)  I was chastised the other night for doing this. Most arguments were that the crust is the stabilizer of the pizza, and by eating it first, holding it was illogical and unnecessary.  Some threw in the argument that the previously mentioned "best bite" of pizza is the crust.  Neither of these arguments hold any merit to me.  Jimmy's is my favorite pizza place in the world.  Don't waste your money flying me to Chicago or Italy for a slice of deep dish.  Jimmy's is all I need in this world.  I have watched many people devour this delicious pizza in my home, and although those with any shred of sense agree that it's immensely gratifying, for the most part, they all do it wrong.  Everyone eats pizza by diving right in, holding the crust, and taking that first bite of pizza at the tip of the pie.  Even those who eat pizza with a fork (because Jimmy does make his pizzas a little tricky to hold) make this naive mistake.  DON'T YOU EAT THAT BITE FIRST BECAUSE IT'S DELICIOUS?! Then why not save the best for last?!

Don't think I restrict this theory to pizza.  The same goes for sandwiches, burgers, hot dogs, oh the list could go on and on.  Sandwiches for example...I eat in a circle around the middle of the sandwich, so the last bite is filled with all the goodness a sandwich entails.  Hot dogs! There is always a tiny bit at the end of a hot dog where there is no dog, only bun.  So I take the normal "first bite" and then flip that dog right around to get the empty, neglected bun out of the way, ensuring that my last bite will consist of everything that makes a hot dog delicious...bun, mustard, ketchup, and processed pig innards.  (OK, that was unnecessary, and completely contradictory of my entire post.)

All I can hope is if you don't adopt my practices, you at least respect them.  At least consider them.  Because, let's be honest, the next time you eat a piece of pizza, you'll see what I mean.  Those of you who don't eat the crust first after reading this....I'll be forced to say "I told you so" when your last bite of pizza is a crusty piece of risen yeast and salt, void of the beauty that is cheese, marinara sauce and whatever other toppings your heart desires.  And in this case, I hate saying "I told you so."

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